the neurotic girl in a bloody white dress

2:10pm:  last week i was feeling a lot of anxiousness and insecurity. it was a beautiful weather, so i think that helped a little bit, and i hope the cooler air continues to come in. thursday i went with tony to a Taste of Del Ray. besides just enjoying that neighborhood in general the food sample were very good, and the price of tickets was more than fair. When i was a kid my parents would take us to Taste of Bethesda and it was so frustrating because there were so many good things but we could on;y afford to pick one thing each. the system in del ray system was so much better because for $5 you got 20 tickets, and all the different restaurant servings were each only 1 ticket. so both of us got to try 10 different things. awesome deal. though i wasn't surprised when all the restaurants ran out earlier than expected. 
saturday we went to philadelphia for Dracula's  Ball. i enjoyed getting to spend so much time with tony. i know i don't really see anyone else lately, but along with the other things i've been feeling i've just felt really clingy, and tony is so great because he is so sweet and never seems like he minds at all. i had expected i would wander around and dance a little like at any club night. but i didn't see hardly anyone i knew there. plus, because it was all ages they kept the alcohol drinkers in little corrals around the bar. it was not very relaxing having to slurp down my drink by myself instead of taking a walk around or sitting with tony at the table. though i was glad i was able to be somewhat of a help in setting up, instead of just getting in the way. 
sunday i spent all day baking because i have only one heart-shaped pan and i wanted to make two 2 layer cakes. it was fun and relaxing to be a little bit domestic. 
yesterday i worked, even though i usually take off for my birthday, because i figured i could use the time-and-a-half. every little bit helps. afterwards tony took me to Flying Fish for sushi in Old Town, and then we came home  and ate cake and watched a movie. a quiet night but that's what i wanted. i just wanted to relax and be close with my husband. 
tomorrow i'm off from work and i am going to spend all day reading Judy Blume and eating sugar cereal. yup, my birthday present to myself is to be 13 again. 

next nice day we both have off i want to go to the Pink Bicycle Tea Room, and dress up all pink and girly for a real tea.

1:18pm: i <3 fall
 yesterday was the first fall-ish day. it was so refreshing and so great for my spirit. i skipped the gym and didn't feel bad about it at all. after work i stopped to change and get tony and we went to lowes to get a big flower pot and some mums for the front stoop.  hopefully in a couple weeks i can get another one and then once october gets around the front of the house will look a little nicer with the red and gold flowers and a cluster of orange pumpkins surrounding them. 
i bought the martha stewart halloween magazine yesterday. she has some really great ideas that really make me want to get the house looking great so that i can have a fabulous halloween dinner party with decorations and food like hers. i think this year i'll just have to settle for having the living room look nice. and just have us and maybe michelle over. though i think the halloween issue of Living from last year was better than martha's halloween zine for this year, since the former inspired more creativity, and the latter included a catalog to just order most of what you saw. her things a really fun, but they are too expensive. i'm going to do my best to make my own versions of her decorations for outside the house this year. 
i know she's not a good person, but i have got to hand it to martha. the way i see it, she's living the dream. not just for the cooking and home decor, but the woman made it doing arts and crafts! if i could get as good as her, and make a living off of it, that would be my dream job. not being an artist, that's not what i mean at all. it's all about crafts. it's my favorite thing to do. give me a canvas and i will stare at it blankly. give me a table, shelf, jewelry box, candle holder, soap dish, any useful object, i'll find a way to make it look more interesting. 

todays getting to be a lot like yesterday. i hope it stays that way until next week, cus i'd love this weather for my birthday. 
then we just need to get ride of that annoying sound of cicadas, and those horrible mosquitos and all will be right in the world.

12:02pm: the great thing about having your husband working from home is that you get to have him there when ever you are there.
the not great thing is that, like retail, saturday doesn't necessarily mean a day off of work for him.

i actually got off work on a real weekend day and spent all week excited about it. only this morning did i finally accept that maybe i would be spending it on my own.sigh. oh well. i'm going to get dressed and explore some thrift stores.

2:20pm:  i don't think it's fair for someone to call me "selfish and arrogant" just because that person is trying to justify being inappropriately needy.
if i casually message someone saying, "hey you should stop by the club after your show, i'll buy you a drink." then when the person agrees and i message back giving the address and say, "if you have changed your cell number, give it to me so i can text you if anything comes up." obviously this means that if nothing comes up to change the plans i do not need to text, so i didn't. but this person decided he wasn't going to show up without another formal invitation (he expected a text message regardless). he was in the area to see a show anyway, i just happened to ask him to stop by the club if he wanted, it wasn't a big deal. but suddenly i'm selfish for not going out of my way to be his host for the rest of the evening. this person often complains he is not invited or asked to hang out with people and is aware that he is very socially awkward and lonely. i tried to help but now i see why. i don't appreciate being attacked just because he was too scared to walk over the the club and find me on his own. afraid of "walking into the club looking like a moron if you weren't there." as if everyone would have stopped and looked at him walking in the door and said, "ha! look at the moron who can't find killian." plus, if i wasn't there, wouldn't that have been where i would have texted and said, "hey, actually i am not going to be there." this is how most people meet up when they go out, am i wrong? we are adults! it was a casual invite! "hey stop by and i'll see you there." i never said i'd keep in touch throughout the day. and if that is what he needed he should have just fucking said so. seriously, some people need to grow up. 

6:23pm: brian molko is very sick so Placebo has cancelled their entire north american tour.
i really hope he gets well SOON and they can reschedule because i was looking forward to seeing them so much... more excited than i have been about going out anywhere in a long time.
though i think Tronik is going to be a whole lot of fun. i just love town, it's such a great space. but it's still different.

i went out to get coffee earlier. i hardly ever drink coffee any more, but i was really craving some. in the past 2 hours i drank half the cup. oh well.

12:04pm:  i just got through 8 days of work in a row. my back was killing me. my feet, and my legs too. laying in bed for a couple hours reading a super awesome book that i could not put down, with the heating pad seemed to fix that. plus the cocktail i made myself with dinner.  i found out that after being with the company 5 years i get an extra week of paid vacation, but i didn't find out until it was too late to take it. LUCKILY they said i could have an extension, and so now after 8 busy and stressful days i am taking a few days off. not going anywhere of course, but i have 2 Advanced Reader Copies of books i'm really looking forward to lounging around with, and projects on which i can work.
though i've learned my lesson and i won't leave all of my vacation to the end this year. i figure October is my favorite month and i never have as much time as i would like to enjoy it and all of it's perfect weather and fall loveliness

del ray arts and crafts street fair thing
pumpkin patch
halloween decorating
planting mums
renn faire 
and walks in the woods

i would so love to go to Salem for a few days but i really need to be saving money over the next few months. it looks like tony will be taking another work trip in febuary, and i would love to go along again.

7:00am:  i promised myself i would stop buying books to read and go to the library or borrow the hardbacks from work. but this is proving very difficult. i like to keep the books i read. i get attached. plus the library's new hours really suck, and what if the book i want to read isn't in hardback, huh? what about that?!
there's worse things i could spend money on... but it's a slippery slope. must not buy book.

this goes against everything.

7:47pm:  we had a really great time in florida. destin definitely has one of the best beaches in the world, and i'm so glad we really got to spend a lot of time on it. tony is usually all about not wasting time doing nothing. but i'm so glad we were both able to enjoy a few hours just sitting with our feet in the sand, listening to the ocean, reading, watching the sunset, and not leaving until dark. he even got me up really early our last day to spend a couple more hours at the beach, when usually we don't even bother going until late afternoon when the sun is not so harsh and the heat is gone. it was definitely worth it. 

if i ever have a millions of dollars i'm buying a house in ( Seaside, Florida )

1:25pm: PLACEBO!
 i got up early on my day off to get placebo tickets and the live nation website kept sending me somewhere that "did not exist." i started to get frustrated and flustered. but that tony was getting the same problem on his computer and was already on the phone trying to figure out how to call to order them. so he got the tickets for us! it's very fun because i haven't been this excited about an upcoming show in a while.
i really hope they play longer than they did when they were in philadelphia, and i hope they seem less annoyed with the audience...
at least enough that they don't leave out 'pure morning' again.  because it should otherwise be a really good show, getting to see them in such a small venue as Sonar.

4:03pm:  friday i wanted to just get my bangs trimmed a bit. i usually go to my stylist because it's free just for that small trim, but that's in bethesda so i decided to risk it and go to the haircuttery across the parking lot from my work. it was a little frustrating having to explain excatly where to cut, just here, just a little more, a little more. i finally decided i was getting the best i was going to get and the stylist walked me up to the register to pay i gave her a tip and then realized i had left my check card in my other pants and had no more cash. i started to panic. i told her i didn't have my card and i was going to have to call someone to bring me the money to pay, then asked if that was ok. it seemed she thought i was asking if i could pay later, or something, because she got flustered and told me no i had to pay. i explained to her again that i had to call someone to get the money. then she understood. so embarrassing, everyone staring at me. i didn't want tony to drop everything and come over, so i called my work, almost in tears as i explained what happened and asked if they could send someone in the store who could loan me $15 across the parking lot to the haircuttery. i waited less than 5 minutes for jessie to get there, but in the meantime i just happened to take a seat next to one of our regulars. she offered to help me out, and i told her no thank you i had it worked out, "are you sure? don't worry i know where you work." she said, joking. when jessie got there they over-charged her a little bit and said that next time i come in to remind them to give me a discount. i laughed and said i prolly wouldn't be coming back and everyone waiting there laughed. 

i got to work and found enough change to get a tea and multigrain bagel, and told the story to some co-workers who in turn told me some of their embarrassing stories. even one of the customers standing there told me about how she once got upgraded to a suite at a hotel, and then ended up flooding the huge tub. that was kind of nice.

10:48pm: so if you haven't seen the video Arlington Rap yet,
you neeeeeeed to.

go to youtube and put in "arlington rap"

so funny!

9:06pm: my mom has been working as a dog walk since the end of last summer. she really loves the dogs and for the most part enjoys it. but it is very stressful because her boss is very anal and controlling. i can understand that with this kind of business you would almost have to be, because many people would take dog walking lightly or be too casual about getting the job done. but honestly i think she is a bit too strict. even though i don't agree with it i can see why maybe you wouldn't allow your dog walkers to listen to music or audiobooks. but she just gets so angry with my mother when simple reminders could do. my mother works very hard and is so dedicated to her dogs. her first week on the job so many unlucky things happened to her and she kept at it, always trying to be better. once that week she even got pulled by a dog so hard she fell onto the side walk and cracked her chin. not only did she finish the the dogs walk she kept going with the dogs that came next. have you ever had a boss that intimidating that it would allow you to think that your safety and pain were that unimportant? it wasn't until she was all done that she went to the hospital, where she found out she needed stitches.
so now she tells me she's been looking online for government jobs, and she actually got a call back for one that she applied for this week. in new mexico.
i don't even know what to think. i can't imagine this happening. i only just moved out almost 2 years ago (besides a little bit of time here and there, like when i went to l.a.). we've always lived in the same house, and she's always been right there being such a mom to me even when i was too old for it (though i was never complaining).
at first i just laughed cus i've read so many books lately where somebody's mother moves to new mexico and gets all new agey and starts painting pottery. but i don't think something like this could ever sink in until it happened. but really what ever she wants to do is ok with me. she never ever said "i told you so" when i came home from hollywood, as much as she never wanted me to leave. not to mention how she came on super short notice to help me get home.
who knows how this will pan out she could just as easily just stay here. but i hope she can get herself happily settled where ever she ends up. and maybe it will be some place really cool and interesting that would be so fun to visit. i told her to pay attention to jobs in new orleans, san fransico and of course l.a,

4:30pm: every day i become more of a hypocrite, as i look through livejournal and complain to myself that nobody writes anything on here anymore, when neither have i. though i have to say, i don't report my status on facebook nearly as often as some of my friends do.

i went to the dentist today to have my teeth cleaned. i had a ton of xrays done because it was my first visit, since i've changed to tony's dentist. she had a hard time sticking the camera thing in my mouth and often times it was jammed in there quite painfully. she told me i have a small mouth, which is weird because it's something i've wondered about myself, but no one has ever seemed to have noticed. or at least never told me...
anyway, while she was cleaning with the super sharp, speedy water-gun thing, she had me laying back in the chair so far back my legs were up higher than my head. there were plenty of times my eyes were squeezed shut tight as i tried to ignore the pain or discomfort. all i have to say is that if water boarding is anything like that it has to be torture.
really hoping to be able to plan a trip to my grandparents house in florida. a vacation with nothing but long days of reading and walks on sandy white beaches (or the back creek boardwalk), plus tons of delicious home cooked meals or fancy brunches is just what i need. add in night swims in the pool and card games and dominoes, lovely.
and yes, this is an actual picture taken from the destin beach.

10:21pm: i keep putting off writing an entry because i thought i shouldn't write about anything else until i write about our trip to Vegas. (i'm a little drunk so my spelling might be reeeally bad. even just this far i've had to correct a handful of things and i don't feel like doing that much more)
i don't particularly like the city of las vegas in general, but there are a few small things i liked about the trp. we rented a convertible to drive around in and it was lovely driving through the desert that way. i was grumpy at the start of our visit to hoover dam, but even i was impressed by the time it was time to go. lake mead was a gorgeous blue oasis, and the fish! we went to the marina and the fish crowded to the docks by the hundreds. big ones! huge! i was excited as the toddlers, squealing and pointing, "look! look!" and throwing left over popcorn. my grandmother used to have a koi pond with huuuge fish that she could hold out her hand to and they would eat right out of it. i was glad to see someone trying that out.
red rock canyon was beautiful. just gorgeous. luckily there was a breeze otherwise it would have been hard to enjoy.
it was also really nice to have some time to just float around in the pool and lay and read by the hot tub in the evening. followed by lovely dinner at the Paris casino. that's one thing i recommend seeing on The Strip.
um...hmm... we went to fatburger, which we don't have here. good stuff.
tony had the idea of just driving to l.a., maybe fly back from there. oh how i wanted to do that! i didn't even let myself beleive that it was a possibility because i knew the disappointment could kill me. we ended up having to layover there anyway, and i was like a puppy glued to the window as we landed and took off. as if i could actually spot my beloved hollywood boulevard. yeah right.
i had a nice time though.

11:28am: i met one of my most favorite authors!
so monday i'm at work when i get a call from my boss. i pick up the phone and she says, "killian, Susan Jane Gilman is here-"
loud gasp from me, and i immediately slam down the phone and go running to Customer Service. i start to cry as i run, and when i get there i start to slow down because i realize i don't know what to say or how to say it, should i introduce myself or does she know i've been called over. apparently she heard my gasp because as soon as she saw me approach her, tears in my eyes, she threw her arms open for a hug. i hugged her. then came the word vomit. i spilled out all the things i loved about Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress, that i quote it all the time and my copy is filled with underlined and highlighted passages. i told her i took pictures of myself like the ones on the cover and that i when i was getting married i went to the same David's Bridal that she wrote about. except it all came out really fast and jumbled together. but she was so cool and friendly about it. she said she was so excited that i really loved it and that it was so cool to have a real fan, and not someone who loved her because they were a friend or family. She said she wanted proof of that so we should get a picture together. i went and got my camera phone and came back, and she also wanted a picture with me to have on her phone. her husband took one of us and then she said, "give me your number so i can send it to you!" i did, and i didn't even mind that i never received it. she probably realized it wasn't a good idea to let a stranger have her number, which i totally understand, even though i would never call her. i still have the picture we took with my phone!
tony went with me to see her do a reading at Politics & Prose that night, like she said i should. she was right about most of the people there already knowing her. but they probably thought i knew her too! as i got through the book signing line when she saw me she stood up from her chair, "killian!" and put her arms out for a hug, just like she did for all her old friends.
it was really, really exciting for me.
tomorrow morning we leave for las vegas. i just need to get through the gym today, and then i am going to get a manicure/pedicure. it'll be the 4th time in my life i've ever had one, because i look at it as only being something to do to pamper myself for a special occasion. and it is my (mini) honeymoon after all.

3:25pm: content
i just love when it's a dreary day and i get to be home, doing some sewing, drinking tea and watching movies or law & order with a sleepy cat curled up near by.

it's been a lovely day.

9:47pm: "faking a smile with the coffee to go"
"hey there, what can i get you?"

"a five hundred dollar loan?"

awkward laughter, "yeah, i could use one of those too."

and last week, a middle aged guy with his elderly mother came in late for dessert. the woman said, "he's treating me, this is our night out on the town !" her son jokingly added, "yeah, a big night out at the bookstore."
they ordered chocolate cheesecake and i offered them coffee with it. the woman replied,"oh no thank you. he's being a big spender already. he's been out of a job for a few months now!"
i felt so bad. obviously his mother really appreciated the treat and was happy to share how nice he was being to her, but i don't think she realized how much she probably had embarrassed him.
sigh. count your blessings.

i'm going to my mother's tomorrow to get some of my old stuff. might as well make it like new again rather than buy anything else. saving my money for vacation!
i'm counting the days too!

12:40pm: honeymoon in Vegas for Non-Gamblers
anybody remember way back when spellbound opened and there was that raffle with the luxury hotel prize? finally, just before the expiration date at the end of april, we are going to use it.
there was a choice of 17 locations that you could choose from but of course you have to plan way ahead or the one you want could be booked. i have to say that we were very lucky. there was only one location left and it was actually from one of the top five i was interested in. Las Vegas. it could have been Missouri. it could have been D.C. what a bummer that would have been.
of course neither of us is interested in gambling or bar-hopping, and we've already been married (though one of my co-worker thinks it would be hilarious and totally worth $25 to go renew our vows at an elvis chapel). we don't have the money to splurge on those super expensive shows (the only one i'd be interested in any way is Cirque de Soleil, and i was lucky enough to have tony take me to see it when they were in town, so i don't feel like i would be missing out). but seeing as how we like to go for walks and exploring in the woods so much, it seems obvious to spend some time exploring the desert. i hadn't thought of this idea at all until tony told me it was something he really wanted to do, but after looking up some pictures in travel books i am also really looking forward to it. i usually look at vacation as including the ocean, but i think taking something to read and renting a small boat or canoe on Lake Mead could be nice too. plus i'm sure the hotel has a beautiful pool. i just love hotels. i think i'm most excited about just staying in a nice hotel.
as for The Strip, i think the lights at night, and people-watching will be all we really need to have a good and relaxed time. sigh. vacation.

6:17pm: i've decided to stick to red wine for a little while. i don't drink very much but when i do have a drink to relax at home i think it should be a glass of red wine. the mixed or bottled beverages will be saved for when i'm out at club or restaurant.

4:28pm: corporate bullshit.
i love what i do, but sometimes all the corporate bullshit makes me feel super frustrated and really bummed out at the end of the work day.
if i wanted to be dramatic i would say something about feeling my soul being sucked away. but i won't be dramtic, because everyone feels this way sometimes. i'm not special.
also i am really grateful to have a job. i still love what i do even if i don't particularly love the rest of it anymore.

5:22pm: i'm off work today so i woke up at noon and got dressed to do a couple errands. i stopped at the video store before heading home to rent The Changeling, which i didn't realize only came out on dvd today. very cool and perfect timing because i've really been wanting to see it. but upon arriving home i find the power out. after talking tony he calls me back to inform me a car accident near by knocked out all the power in our neighborhood. lovely.
sunday tony had picked up a purple chase lounge we had seen at an estate sale. i've always wanted a fancy purple sofa (he had even got the guy to bring it down to a cheaper price annnd throw in a big purple ottoman) so i took this time to bond with it, seeing it was by our only sunny window. i curled up with some chai and blueberries to finish my book. i was feeling restless pretty soon though, knowing tony would be at work extra late tonight. what was i going to do with myself once it got dark? where could i go and still have fun all alone? i called josha just for something to do. when she had to go i was about to call for a movie or ice skating schedule .. when the power came back. suddenly now i can't sit still.
se la vie.
or however it's spelled.

1:51pm: ahhhhh! i'm coming to the end of a very long work week. and i have not only 2 days off in a row (like a normal person!) but they are also friday and saturday, weekend days. a very coveted thing in my position. which is really great since saturday is valentines day, and i think the best way to spend it is just spending as much time as you can with a person you care about. flowers and chocolate are great, but after this week especially, this time we will have together is more valuable than ever. i am so sooo looking forward to it. even if we ended up doing noting in particular i know like always it will be a great day.

kit257 came over for dinner last night. i love when she is over because it's fun to have a friend here for both of us, just for a change. it's also a chance for me to get some girl talk. plus, since i've been working late all my dinners have been spent alone with a cold food in a stiff breakroom, so it was nice to have a friendly cozy meal. even if we were all squeezed onto our one small sofa.

3:54pm: god forbid they ever make a holiday for blue stars.
i think i love valentines day so much just because i reeeeally love hearts. i mean, really really love hearts. it takes effort to convince myself i don't need all the things i see with hearts on them.
but oh my goodness i just went to target and they have sooooo much cool stuff! i wanted almost everything! it was so hard to walk away. i guess it's a good thing and a bad thing that i'm so easily pleased.
anyway, i'm glad i'm off friday so i can bake some heart shaped sugar cookies with the valentine sprinkles i splurged on.

11:24am: fuck, i feel like i'm getting sick.

though i have felt this way a bunch of mornings and have managed to drive it off.

5:50pm: 25 things about me.
1) when i was a kid i wanted to be a waitress when i grew up. looking back, i don't think i knew exactly what that included or did not include.

2) as i got a little older i got a little more understanding and wanted to work and own a beatnik coffee shop. with blue painted walls, cool lighting, weird art and an old sofa with purple pillows.

3) i love, love love witches. i still can't get over the fact that i can't be one.

4) i also love unicorns.

5) driving still scares me, but i am getting to the point where i am more scared of getting lost while driving...

6) i still refuse to drive anywhere farther than my work, or anywhere that i have never been.

7) i still think the shows that were on Nick at Nite when i was a kid were the best.

8) i love chocolate, but i'm not a fan of chocolate cake. it's ok and i'll eat it, but i don't really prefer it.

9) any kind of icing is yummy though, and is even good on ice cream.

10) i've never had brussel sprouts, and i really want to try them!

11) i really want to go to bermuda.

12) i really do like pretty dresses...

13) but the thought of having to wear one without boots makes me want to cry. seriously.

14) violets are my favorite flower

15) but i also love white roses

16) my mom drives me crazy, but i love talking and hanging out with her

17) i am terrified of our similarities though.

18) thanks to a couple people, who shall remain nameless, i can't stop replying, "your mom" to everything. keeping my mouth shut at work is getting to be challenging.

19) cereal is one of my favorite foods.

20) i love decorating. i love looking at decorating books, watching decorating shows, using a glue gun and what-not on all kinds of things. i love just walking in any given room, house, or any space at all and imagining what i would do with it. in the past i've spent a good hour just day dreaming about the possibilities for a closet under the stairs.

21) i don't like having too many clothes or shoes. i'd rather have one or a small number of things that i just use all the time that people can identify me with...

22) but some how i have way too many coats...

23) because i love thrift stores and used clothing shops.

24) i love going to the beach, but only in the late afternoon

25) with your mom.